We travel to the future, the past and the nightmares in between

Elementary Deductionist

The Ultimate Guide for any fan of the Elementary TV Series

About Elementary

Following his fall from grace in London and a stint in rehab, eccentric Sherlock escapes to Manhattan where his wealthy father forces him to live with his worst nightmare – a sober companion, Dr. Watson. While annoyed at first, he soon finds that Dr. Watson has what it takes to become his partner in deduction.

Seasons: 2

Episodes: 48

Original Network: CBS United States of America

Genre: Crime / Mystery

Air Date and Time:
Canada Global: Returning Fall 2014
United Kingdom Sky Living: Returning Fall 2014
United States of America CBS: Returning Fall 2014

Quotes from Elementary: Season 2

Select a season below:

Episode 01 Episode 02 Episode 03 Episode 04 Episode 05 Episode 06 Episode 07 Episode 08 Episode 09 Episode 10 Episode 11 Episode 12 Episode 13 Episode 14 Episode 15 Episode 16 Episode 17 Episode 18 Episode 19 Episode 20 Episode 21 Episode 22 Episode 23 Episode 24

Season 2 Episode 1: "Step Nine"

Gareth Lestrade: And if the Lord had any sense at all, he'd kick Warren Pendry right up his ass and send him to a very warm place indeed.

Joan Watson: You can follow a pigeon?

Captain Gregson: The department has six guys grinding this case and you broke it open by following a bird?

Detective Bell: Happy huntin'.

Sherlock Holmes: I was a different person back then; I was less warm.
Joan Watson: Less?

Sherlock Holmes: You might say, I turned him into an addict.

Sherlock Holmes: I am well aware of the corrupting power of the spotlight, I avoid it at all costs, yet I offered Lestrade up to it like a sacrificial lamb.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, without you, the airline might seat me next to a morbidly obese person, or a child, or a morbidly obese child.

Sherlock Holmes: I am a different man now, Watson, it's a different city. London is always a different city.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm not slipping, I've just grown more courteous.

Sherlock Holmes: 221B is my original Sanctum Sanctorum, it is the only aspect of my life in London that I truly missed.

Sherlock Holmes: 221B is a good deal more than nice, Watson. I spent the best part of 10 years transforming it into a virtual boon of creativity. Stepping inside it is not unlike stepping inside my very brain.

Joan Watson: Wow, the inside of your brain is kinda boring.

Sherlock Holmes: I've been betrayed.
Joan Watson: What do you expect from a guy named Geezer Bob?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh my god!
Mycroft Holmes: Mycroft. Hasn't been that long, has it?

Sherlock Holmes: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.
Mycroft Holmes: Fatty? I'd say I slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?

Sherlock Holmes: Our relationship is entirely genetic. He's an embarrassment.

Mycroft Holmes: They don't have phones in rehab?

Sherlock Holmes: This is your idea of lamming it, is it? A few pints in the heart of Greenwich?

Joan Watson: I don't put up with him, we get along, basically. He's a friend.

Mycroft Holmes: Sherlock doesn't have friends.

Mycroft Holmes: Sherlock is addicted at being himself.

Sherlock Holmes: You are attracted to Mycroft.
Joan Watson: Umm... no, I'm not.

Sherlock Holmes: Ms. Watson first came to my attention as America's foremost expert to home security, so...

Joan Watson: It's what I do.

Joan Watson: We've been here for over four hours, are you sure you aren't just using this as an excuse so I don't have to go with your brother?

Mycroft Holmes: I want to know, how does one become Sherlock Holmes' friend.

Sherlock Holmes: Curious, I've never felt this particular cocktail of emotions; anger, exasperation, and a hint of...
Joan Watson: Worry? Yeah, well, welcome to caring about an addict.

Mycroft Homes: She said, when one has something to tell you, one must make really, really sure that you're listening.

Sherlock Holmes: Art in the blood, Watson, it takes the strangest forms.

Season 2 Episode 2: "Solve for X"

Joan Watson: He was a good man.

Sherlock Holmes: Actually, you wrote, and I'll quote, "Yes please, now, :P :P :P"
Detective Bell: What? Yeah, you see, that's not from me. That's from someone named Bella, and you got it last December.

Detective Bell: Hey, where's your better half this morning?

Detective Bell: Actually, before you came along, I never closed a case before, neither had the rest of the department. Most of us were thinking of packing up, leaving, lettin' the city fend for itself.

Detective Bell: What is it?
Sherlock Holmes: Well, I'm going to take a very literal stab in the dark and say maths.

Joan Watson: Are you asking me for a loan?

Joan Watson: What I don't get is why he isn't wearing a shirt.

Harlan Emple: It's P versus NP!

Joan Watson: Cyril Naurer looks like a unabomber.
Sherlock Holmes: Both are mathematicians, both are loners, let's hope that only one of them aspired to mass casualties.

Sherlock Holmes: I want to make sure this person isn't taking advantage of you.

Detective Bell: Where are you going?
Sherlock Holmes: Up!

Joan Watson: I though you said you didn't know him?

Linus Roe: I mean, mathematicians are drawn to P versus NP because it's math's great white whale, but the truth is, a solution would have a massive real world implications.

Sherlock Holmes: It's a skeleton key.
Linus Roe: It's the key to building the skeleton key.

Detective Bell: You're saying a solution would make your company about as useful as a pet rock.

Sherlock Holmes: I see two underage drinkers, an affair in progress, and a bartender who has been stealing from the till, not a single college professor.

Joan Watson: You wont go for a jog along the river, but you will do sit-ups facing a wall at 2 AM?

Sherlock Holmes: Also, the river smells like rancid cod.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, conundrum. Conundrum, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm an expert on poison, Watson. I know virtually everything there is to know about them, but I've come to learn in the last few years that there's nothing on this planet so toxic as guilt.

Sherlock Holmes: We're on a roundabout, we just need to find the proper exit.

Joan Watson: I think there are better ways to spend twenty-two thousand dollars.
Sherlock Holmes: You could by eight-thousand eight-hundred beers for example.
Joan Watson: Mmm, tempting, but no.

Sherlock Holmes: You know I have as much interest in money as I don Hummel figurines.

Sherlock Holmes: The man seemed to make quite the impression, I'd just like to play my respects.

Season 2 Episode 3: "We Are Everyone"

Emily Hankins: I don't know why you volunteered to come here, it's like Lord of the Flies.

Emily Hankins: Is that doll supposed to be dead?

Joan Watson: I meet people, you know. My life's not that weird.

Joan Watson: Staged suicide, obviously. No one sticks their head in an oven anymore... Shut up!

Sherlock Holmes: If you'll excuse us Mr. Mueller, my associate, she gets rather grumpy if she doesn't take her mid-morning nap.

Joan Watson: Sounds like aiding and embedding a fugitive.

Sherlock Holmes: No Belgium is that bad at Backgammon.

Joan Watson: Some people think he's a hero.
Sherlock Holmes: Yet some would like to see him hung by the nearest yardarm.

Sherlock Holmes: You're bespectacled, you're lean, and yet possessed of an alluring curve of flank.

Joan Watson: We're about to sit around for a very long time, aren't we?

Sherlock Holmes: We're not cut off from the world, we're engaged in creating one that's actually worth living in, one that addresses our needs entirely and eliminates everything extraneous.

Sherlock Holmes: I feel liberated. I am, now and forever, post-love.

Sherlock Holmes: Because it couldn't be more dangerous if it was fashioned from liquid Ebola.

Joan Watson: In other words, you plan on arguing on the internet all night.

Sherlock Holmes: We are about to succeed where the combined wits of a dozen or so federal agencies have failed.

Sherlock Holmes: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.

Sherlock Holmes: I liberated it from Agent Polk.

Jamie Moriarty: I dearly hope you'll write soon. Ever yours, Jamie Moriarty.

Season 2 Episode 4: "Poison Pen"

Sherlock Holmes: So, did you learn anything, Watson?
Joan Watson: Yeah, that you fight dirty.
Sherlock Holmes: I fight without mercy, a habit you should develop if you hope to defend yourself against bigger, stronger opponents, which may occur unless we limit ourselves to investigating crimes committed by small children... or large house cats.

Captain Gregson: That'll pay for a few spankings.

Sherlock Holmes: Fire in the hole!

Joan Watson: 'Cause when your night ends with a dead guy in a gimp suit, why not start your morning with a live one holding a bull whip?

Bert Jeffries: If the charge here is that I'm a real greedy jerk with questionable judgement, then I'm guilty but I swear to you, I'm not a murderer.

Anne Barker: Because I'm being interrogated by the police, so I feel that being defencive is sort of a natural reaction.

Anne Barker: If I knew I needed one I would have invited someone over.

Sherlock Holmes: Impressive, Watson. Quite impressive.

Sherlock Holmes: You needed to leave Abigail behind so the phoenix might rise.

Anne Barker: I'm afraid, and I could really use a friend right now.

Captain Gregson: So, your clients' statement is she couldn't have killed her husband because she was too busy planning to kill her husband.

Joan Watson: You're planning to harass a teenage boy while he is mourning his father?

Sherlock Holmes: Abigain, she gave me a gift. A view inside a mind capable of murder.
Joan Watson: So she was your first...
Sherlock Holmes: Killer, yeah.

Sherlock Holmes: I know the truth, Abigail, I've known for 22 years.

Joan Watson: Give me some credit, I used to be a surgeon. I would never leave a mess like this.

Joan Watson: There's five air vents in this room.
Detective Bell: And the capital of Michigan is Lansing. You know, your starting to sound like your partner.

Captain Gregson: What it proves is that your dad was a monster.

Season 2 Episode 5: "Ancient History"

Jennifer Sayles: I'm trying to find a guy I lost track of.

Sherlock Holmes: What you are describing, it is not a case, it is a wild goose chase, only at the end of a proper goose chase you get to eat a delicious goose. In this instance, your friend gets to find out some sweaty Lothario is not the man of her dreams.

Sherlock Holmes: Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mind.

Captain Gregson: If you need entertainment, you don't need to go shopping at the morgue.

Sherlock Holmes: Is she attractive? I might be able to find her a service free of charge.

Sherlock Holmes: Travis, you're alive. That's unfortunate.

Sherlock Holmes: It is official, I am superior in every way to the New York City Marshals.

Sherlock Holmes: It was me; I slept with you friend... ravaged, actually. I'm Tony. I'm on that tape.

Sherlock Holmes: Alive again. Why can't anyone be dead today?

Joan Watson: The Russian mob was here?

Detective Bell: You know how the Bratva like to rotate their players after a job.

Captain Gregson: Last time I checked, dead men couldn't pull triggers.

Sherlock Holmes: Studies have consistently showed that changes in one's surroundings, background noise, or even the angle in which materials are viewed, can result in fresh insights.

Sherlock Holmes: No, I cannot; I will be dead by then.

Detective Bell: He's what we call "a bad guy".

Sherlock Holmes: While I detest nothing more than wilful ignorance, I cave come to believe that in certain matters, ignorance bestowed can be a gift.

Joan Watson: You are such a terrible liar.

Joan Watson: I just want you to know, I think it's really great, you doing what you did today for Jen, so she can finally have a baby. I don't think I've ever seen her so happy. She did tell you she was ovulating, right?

Season 2 Episode 6: "An Unnatural Arrangement"

Sherlock Holmes: I present to you, the human condition in all its sordid glory.

Craig Basken: You work, uh, with the guy with the socks.

Captain Gregson: Just help Marcus find this guy.

Joan Watson: Did you know that Captain Gregson turned down a promotion that would have made him the youngest detective in the NYPD?

Sherlock Holmes: He is also, judging by his emails, surprisingly tolerant of forwarded videos of mischievous kittens.

Detective Bell: Holmes and Watson are off and running down some Holmes and Watson things.

Sherlock Holmes: I refer to most of the detectives as "not Bell".

Sherlock Holmes: We live together, we work together, Watson. When it comes to cases there is no his or hers, there is partnership. I assist you, you assist me, what matters is the results.

Captain Gregson: I don't think it's gonna work out.

Jacob Esparz: Even dead, these guys are managing to mess with me.

Jacob Esparz: I look shot to you?

Joan Watson: I don't want busy work, thank you very much, I want to be useful.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm giving up on mediation.

Sherlock Holmes: You had a partner, perhaps you still do.

Captain Gregson: I put you in second position for too long, and you deserve better.

Season 2 Episode 7: "The Marchioness"

Sherlock Holmes: I often wonder if I should have been born in another time.

Sherlock Holmes: I wouldn't have said anything at all if I knew the meeting was compromised.

Sherlock Holmes: "Old acquaintance", are you joking?

Nigella Mason: Do let me know when you decide to start ageing, won't you?

Sherlock Holmes: I lose my appetite in the company of socially-climbing trollops.

Sherlock Holmes: Do you see, finally, the magnitude of the favour that I did for you?

Sherlock Holmes: So you've become a horse pimp? How fitting.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm sincerely sorry for your troubles... but, this is an awful toxic creature.

Sherlock Holmes: The man has never met a cliché he didn't have a head-on collision with.

Detective Bell: You guys are swimming in some deep water here.

Mycroft Holmes: You think conversations an indulgence?
Sherlock Holmes: The meal itself is an indulgence, conversation is an annoyance in an indulgence.

Joan Watson: Why are you hiring a chef? You should do it.

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, sorry. I can't do this. There's too much tension.

Joan Watson: What is the matter with you?

Sherlock Holmes: You had sex with my brother... willingly?

Sherlock Holmes: Just out of curiosity, was he any good?

Nigella Mason: I see I'm at the mercy of the Holmes brothers.

Joan Watson: The only man to lay eyes on El Mecanico has a weakness of unhelpful metaphors.

Sherlock Holmes: He's selling an idea, not describing a person.

Captain Gregson: We don't use civilians as bait.

Detective Bell: That's why we told her not to use a cell.

Mycroft Holmes: It must be frustrating being wrong.

Joan Watson: Why are you poking me with your single stick?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm poking the covers to determine whether or not my brother is in there with you.

Season 2 Episode 8: "Blood Is Thicker"

Mycroft Holmes: Beautiful city, New York. It's no London, though, is it?

Sherlock Holmes: And here was me thinking that we could satisfy your itch for fraternal bonding using the age-old tradition of two siblings hitting each other.

Sherlock Holmes: You assume that I slept.

Alan Becker: When someone with a badge shows up looking for Mr. Gale, you get me.

Detective Bell: We'd like to hear Mr. Gale express his shock and sadness himself.

Joan Watson: Have you met your brother?

Sherlock Holmes: One key card to access every room on the aforementioned floor, courtesy of my contact here.

Sherlock Holmes: Having never milked a moose, I imagine one must catch it in the right mood.

Maureen Tyler: I know exactly who killed her.

Mycroft Holmes: There's something I wanted to give you; the keys to 221B.

Sherlock Holmes: The early onset of dementia is so sad.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, he can have the bloody building, and the money. I'll live in a cardboard box if I have to.

Joan Watson: I blew it!

Sherlock Holmes: What I want is irrelivant.

Sherlock Holmes: I feel that I've thrived here. Not because who I am but because who I've come to know.

Sherlock Holmes: Televisions are idiot boxes. DVRs are idiot helpers. We are the idiots.

Mycroft Holmes: I'm to play messenger, am I?

Sherlock Holmes: It was not unlike carving the words in my very skin.

Mycroft Holmes: I'll be back.

Season 2 Episode 9: "On the Line"

Captain Gregson: Sometimes, when a murder doesn't get solved, the family gets... uh... stuck. They need a vessel for all their anger. They tend to fixate on a suspect.

Sherlock Holmes: I think we have a different definition of the word "obvious".

Sherlock Holmes: I should have let Samantha Warbash frame that man.

Captain Gregson: There is a reason polygraph results are inadmissible in court, they're iffy. But, I'm pretty sure the same can be said for anyone claiming to be a human lie detector.

Gerry Coventry: You're barking up the wrong tree.

Sherlock Holmes: When you lose someone, Detective, and the killer is still at large, it's a short walk to madness. I can attest.

Gerry Coventry: What the hell is this supposed to be, Oversight?

Joan Watson: It's the uggs; they're bothering me.

Sherlock Holmes: Speak of the devil.

Sherlock Holmes: Walls are a bit thin, they'd never hold back our blood-curdling screams, but we call it home.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm curious, did you come here tonight hoping to scare us, or are you just being a good predator?
Joan Watson: How many others have there been?

Lucas Bundsch: You know, Samantha fixated on me after her sister died. It ruined her life. I really hope you don't make the same mistake.

Gerry Coventry: Perhaps you'd be good enough to kiss my ass.

Captain Gregson: Let me tell you what's good for meal, Holmes closes cases more and faster than anyone I've ever seen. I got great guys under my command, but every one of 'em could learn something from him.

Sherlock Holmes: Did it, perchance, have anything to do with the fact I continue to lambaste Detective Hip Flask?

Sherlock Holmes: We've been duped.

Sherlock Holmes: I sense that I should hire an attorney.

Captain Gregson: You have any idea how often my neck is out for you?

Joan Watson: Actually, I think you showed great restraint by not beating him to death.

Sherlock Holmes: I am undertaking this task alone.

Sherlock Holmes: It's a mere reminder that however skilled you know me to be at deducing how crimes are committed, I am every bit as adept at committing them myself.

Sherlock Holmes: I am not a nice man. It is important that you understand that, it is going to save you a great deal of time and effort. There is not a warmer, kinder me waiting to be coaxed out into the light. I am acerbic. I can be cruel. It is who I am, right to the bottom. I'm neither proud of this nor ashamed of it. It simply is. And, in my work, my nature has been an advantage for more often than it's been a hindrance. I'm not gonna change.

Season 2 Episode 10: "Tremors"

Sherlock Holmes: I am answering the question, just more precisely than you intended me to. You cannot understand one incident without first understanding the other.

Captain Gregson: Give the man a minute, will you? He's a brave and brilliant instrument of justice. All we got to do is stay out of his way and he'll lead us right to the truth.

Judge Brewster O'Hare: We're here today because you screwed up.

Cassandra Walker: Is this all part of a larger pattern?

Cassandra Walker: Those front doors were open? Not just unlocked, but actually open?
Sherlock Holmes: I was surprised as well. In several other instances we though we heard cries for help, they turned out to be televisions with the volume turned up.

Detective Bell: This does not fill me with optimism for the queen.

Captain Gregson: Be nice. It's the smart play.

Sherlock Holmes: This place is a miserable warren of cynicism and disrepair. You'd think they'd have a hard time holding onto their employees, and yet the cubicals are full.

Sherlock Holmes: That's the beauty of the Internet. 24/7 access to everything from twerking kittens to criminal records.

Sherlock Holmes: Science -- the most potent distraction of all.

Sherlock Holmes: I hardly think this proceeding is the appropriate response to our work.
Cassandra Walker: And what is the appropriate response?
Sherlock Holmes: "Thank you" would be nice.

Joan Watson: You know, for a genius, you can be a real nimrod.

Joan Watson: Why do we get to be above the rules?

Sherlock Holmes: The problem with rule books, Watson, is that they offer the illusion that leading a moral life is a simple undertaking, the world exists in black and white. Welcome to the greys.

Joan Watson: This is going to get messy.

Sherlock Holmes: That's the thing about shotguns, if you don't know how to brace them properly the kickback will get you every time.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, perhaps this is an opportunity to do something a little less soul-sucking.

Joan Watson: This is not about Bell's privacy, this is about your guilt.

Commissioner August Patrick: Facing danger from a guy on your own team... can I really ask officers to do that?

Sherlock Holmes: I hate what happened to you, and the role I played in it.

Season 2 Episode 11: "Internal Audit"

Joan Watson: Look at you, South Paw.

Captain Gregson: Steal a few hundred million dollars of other people's money, somebody's bound to get ticked off.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, it is interesting that I failed to detect another addict when I met one.

Sherlock Holmes: Very few of us are either completely good or completely evil.

Sherlock Holmes: It's rare to come across such a literal case of someone shooting the messenger.

Sherlock Holmes: Monkey Balls!

Joan Watson: I've stitched up a lot of these guys back during my E.R. Rotation. I know how to talk to them.
Sherlock Holmes: You speak idiot?

Sherlock Holmes: Being a sponsor means being available. You know me. You know my work. It's all consuming.

Chloe Butler: Nelson said he was an entrepreneur, but then I realized that was his way of saying criminal.

Joan Watson: So your solution is to make a liar out of me after I told her that she could trust you?

Alfredo Llamosa: You beat the alarm.
Sherlock Holmes: Only a matter of time.
Alfredo Llamosa: And my home alarm.
Sherlock Holmes: Child's play.

Sherlock Holmes: Would you care to revise your answer?

Sherlock Holmes: He has taught me how to get the very most out of the program.

Season 2 Episode 12: "The Diabolical Kind"

Sherlock Holmes: I find you a challenge, one that, in spite of all that you have done, continues to stimulate.

Captain Gregson: You can't just walk into the supermax wing at Newgate.
Sherlock Holmes: It shouldn't be overly difficult. I know for a fact that I'm on the list of approved visitors.

Sherlock Holmes: I've maintained a relationship with Moriarty, which, in turn, should make it easier to learn what Faux-rairty is up to.

Joan Watson: This woman has planned god knows how many murders and you give her her own warehouse?

Sherlock Holmes: She's capable of manipulations I can only describe as mind-bending.

Captain Gregson: How in the hell can they screen for that?

Jamie Moriarty: You look a bit tired.
Sherlock Holmes: You look a bit evil.

Joan Watson: Oh, but it's all science to you, right?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh my good lord!

Jamie Moriarty: I'm told you rely heavily on consultants.

Sherlock Holmes: She's gone! ... I just thought you should get used to hearing that.

Joan Watson: You can stop pretending you care now. The others can't hear you.

Jamie Moriarty: I don't typically mis-read people, but you're more cleaver than I initially estimated.

Jamie Moriarty: I confess to not understanding it, but... I'm drawn to things I don't understand. Same as Sherlock.

Joan Watson: Nothing crazy people do surprises me.

Joan Watson: There is no Irene, there is only Moriarty, and Moriarty is never going to change.

Devon Gaspar: There's a handsome devil.

Sherlock Holmes: The woman is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma I've had sex with.

Jamie Moriarty: Would it surprise you to learn that in the course of my internment here I have devised exactly seventeen means of escaping, six of which can account for the extra precautions, like my bracelets.

Jamie Moriarty: I'm afraid I've got something a little less passive in mind for you.

Jamie Moriarty: All's well that ends well, right?

Jamie Moriarty: The world's corruption runs even deeper than even you know.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm not sure I am one of them.

Season 2 Episode 13: "All In The Family"

Sherlock Holmes: For the last time, give me your leg!

Captain Gregson: Why don't you take him for a walk? Crash a prom, or something.

Captain Gregson: You never call, you never writer, then when somebody jams a body in a barrel...
Detective Bell: Yeah, I wish it were a happier occasion.

Joan Watson: Time heals all wounds, sometimes it just takes a larger dose.

Sherlock Holmes: Mafia law interests me as much as the criminal derring-do of the Freemasons or the Druids.

Robert Pardillo: I'm a law-abiding citizen, but if I wasn't the mutt that done this would be in the ground tomorrow.

Joan Watson: Should I be afraid?

Sherlock Holmes: Did you collect these people's trading cards as a child?

Sherlock Holmes: But after cock-up, the chance of him spending the day in prison just plummeted.

Sherlock Holmes: I was right, not one day in prison.

Sherlock Holmes: An acknowledgement that the American Government is in bed with the American Mafia would be a lovely place to start.

Detective Bell: You know, I expect this kind of garbage from him.

Joan Watson: What I'm trying to say is that I don't like the idea of accusing a violent crime boss of having a cop on the take without backup.

Captain Gregson: "We're not going to let him hurt you" was a nice touch.

Season 2 Episode 14: "Dead Clade Walking"

Sherlock Holmes: I withdrawal my earlier scepticism. The dinosaur in Doug Newberg's back yard did indeed escape my notice.

Sherlock Holmes: Doug Newberg, rest his soul, was a rather dull person.

Sherlock Holmes: How on Earth did you make a career dealing with addicts?

Captain Gregson: Looks like we got a "customer". A lot of money for a popsicle.

Joan Watson: What are they going to do with stolen dinosaur bones? It's not like you can unload it in some dark alley.

Joan Watson: You write each other dirty letters?

Sherlock Holmes: We require a shiny bauble to attract the attention of the Magpie.

Joan Watson: You're just gonna pull her off stage with a hook?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm being vain.

Joan Watson: Why is Gay asleep on our couch?

Sherlock Holmes: Perhaps if I ingest the file, it will offer fresh insights.

Sherlock Holmes: Thank you for your insights. I would have never thought of that on my own.

Sherlock Holmes: Allow me to return the favour by releasing the evil humours from your skull.

Season 2 Episode 15: "Corpse de Ballet"

Joan Watson: And her last name is?
Sherlock Holmes: Probably quite lovely.

Sherlock Holmes: Judging by the pack of reporters outside, either the ballet's ascendant into the zeitgeist or it's been leaked that a murder has occurred here.

Sherlock Holmes: Bisection... it's been a while since I've seen one of these.

Joan Watson: You know, you went a little fan boy back there, right?

Iris Lanzer: If I was going to kill Nell, I would have done it on another night.

Sherlock Holmes: Sleep with her yourself if you don't believe me.

Sherlock Holmes: Pursuing another development in Hobo Hunt 2014?

Joan Watson: I'm beginning to think you like it when women smash your cameras.

Joan Watson: All this over a broken camera...

Sherlock Holmes: I fear you may have stacked the odds against your client too high.

Joan Watson: A padlocked door inside your house... You want to tell me what, or who, you got down there?

Sherlock Holmes: But sometimes, with the right judge, a hunch is all you need.

Sherlock Holmes: Don't worry about the reporters outside, you look great.

Season 2 Episode 16: "The One Percent Solution"

Sherlock Holmes: I believe, by this time, several days hence, Romulus and Remus will be living side by side. Two cocks in harmony.

Sherlock Holmes: You seem upset. Do you have an aversion to cocks?

Sherlock Holmes: Well, sorry, I refuse, on principle, to work with anyone who would willingly refer to themselves as a "Czar".

Gareth Lestrade: Who's to say what's accurate and what's not?
Sherlock Holmes: Me. Watson, if you like.

Sherlock Holmes: I just refuse to shovel coal onto the bonfire of that man's ego.

Sherlock Holmes: Are we hunting game or fishing for sharks? 'Cause we can't have it both ways, metaphorically speaking.

Sherlock Holmes: A room full of people so accustomed to their own flatulence they don't notice the stench anymore.

Joan Watson: I told him I'd call him, maybe. Oh, and I also stole his phone.

Detective Bell: This kid read "Killer" to you?

Gareth Lestrade: You nicked it.
Sherlock Holmes: Watson did. I don't think she's coming to work for you, by the way.

Gareth Lestrade: I was acting as a rich man's pimp.

Joan Watson: The FBI has a task force searching for Aurelius for years, you think you're just going to look through a bunch of NYPD files and find him just like that? Hmm. Of course you do.

Joan Watson: I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there. Okay, congratulations. You got me to say it.
Sherlock Holmes: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that would look fantastic on a tombstone.

Gareth Lestrade: I don't let murderers go free, you see. It's probably the only non-negotiable thing about me.

Sherlock Holmes: In a moment the world will either have an efficient means of curing fighting cocks, or we will have the raw ingredients for chicken dinner.


Season 2 Episode 17: "Ears to You"

Gareth Lestrade: Holmes, your bloody rooster is at it again!

Gareth Lestrade: Holmes, I'll pluck it! I swear it!

Gareth Lestrade: You might find one that you prefer more than working for the old cock handler.

Gordon Cushing: I have never been anything but honest with you people.

Gordon Cushing: I don't want her back because I miss her, I want her back because I am tired of people looking at me the way you people are looking at me right now.

Sherlock Holmes: Speaking of tragic mistakes...

Gareth Lestrade: Holmes was right about me! I can't do this job without him.

Sherlock Holmes: That's me Watson, joke machine.

Joan Watson: Since when do you open my mail?
Sherlock Holmes: How long have you lived here?

Captain Gregson: Stating the obvious here, this one's a mess.

Sherlock Holmes: I have a nose, Watson. And eyes. And Ears.

Sherlock Holmes: I'll name that tart in twenty keystrokes.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm here, Watson, because this is where we keep food, and I'm hungry.

Gareth Lestrade: There once was a man named Shawn Menck, his home smelt so bad it done stunk. He rode on his bike, he tooked what he liked, and his head was tick as a plank.

Gareth Lestrade: You don't know him like I know him.

Sherlock Holmes: In some cases, there are other ways to assist a friend.

Season 2 Episode 18: "The Hound of the Cancer Cells"

Joan Watson: We find her and you're making me a martini with that thing.

Sherlock Holmes: I need something powdery that won't kill us. Surprise me.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm sure we'll feel awful for you momentarily.

Nicole Watkins: Measures aren't good enough.

Sherlock Holmes: When an Israeli intelligence operative hands you a collection of illegally obtained emails, you don't just skim them, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes: I take no one at their word.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm sorry. Sorry have we met? Hi. Hi, my name's Sherlock, I'm a recovering drug addict. You know, you bear a striking resemblance to a sobriety counselor I once knew.

Sherlock Holmes: Placing my degree of certainty that he is not Adam Peer at around one hundred percent.

Captain Gregson: Either this guy did the dumbest job at shooting his ex I've ever seen, or someone's doing a really good job at ruining his life.

Joan Watson: I'm dreaming this, right? You're not seriously waking me up again.

Joan Watson: Are you okay? You seem hyper.
Sherlock Holmes: I might have a had a coffee or three with my tea this morning.

Joan Watson: Are you crashing? You look like you're crashing.
Sherlock Holmes: No, I'm ascending, actually.

Sherlock Holmes: The work we do, there's often a price.

Season 2 Episode 19: "The Many Mouths of Aaron Colville"

Detective Leslie Loughlin: I figured, if my guy did this, maybe the NYPD only needs one vampire hunter.

Detective Bell: Honestly, I've been trying not to breathe.

Sherlock Holmes: It's only fun in the right company.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, you know, as I always say, bite mark analyses are only slightly more scientific than casting chicken bones about to see the future.

Sherlock Holmes: My regular contact in London has forsworn the practise, something about not wanting to go to jail. So we'll have to contact "them".

Sherlock Holmes: Someone should teach him the importance of regular checkups.
Joan Watson: And not killing people.

Sherlock Holmes: God only knows how many sets of Colville's teeth are out there.

Captain Gregson: Every plaintiff's attorney in the city is going to be lining up to sue on behalf of Aaron Colville's family.

Sherlock Holmes: We have enemies, Watson. I needed to make sure there was nothing dangerous in here.

Sherlock Holmes: I suppose I'll take this half.

Sherlock Holmes: I'd do the same for you if you lost all your teeth in a prison fight.

Joan Watson: Is that a giant prom dress?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm meant to record myself performing the songs from something called Frozen.

Joan Watson: Why did you dress Clyde up like a shark?

Captain Gregson: We have rules, and our lawyers are already busy this week.

Sherlock Holmes: That sounds more like a consulting detective.

Season 2 Episode 20: "No Lack of Void"

Sherlock Holmes: It seems unlikely that he would knowingly swallow a biological terror agent.

Sherlock Holmes: Actually, I had to forgo breakfast.
Joan Watson: On the account of?
Sherlock Holmes: Alistair being dead.

Captain Gregson: So much for asking Charlie Simon how much Anthrax he made.

Captain Gregson: More important than a would-be terrorist with forty pounds of anthrax?

Sherlock Holmes: I can't help but wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye.

Alistair Moore: You don't look well, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes: I'll be whatever I like, thanks very much.

Sherlock Holmes: It's impossible to tell... No, no, no, wait. It's not.

Sherlock Holmes: Feel free to express your jubilation at any time.

Joe Bey: Kurt Greenly is a slave name issued to me by a corporate entity. I don't recognize the U.S. Government, so stop saying it.

Joe Bey: I'd rather serve every minute than play ball with a bunch of government stooges.

Captain Gregson: I'll reach out to the FBI and the Canadian Intelligence Service, have them some files on every radical right wing organization in the northeast – militias, hate-groups, quilting circles if they fit the profile.

Alistair Moore: Sherlock Holmes, when did you become such a cliché?

Season 2 Episode 21: "The Man With the Twisted Lip"

Sherlock Holmes: I am without peer... without sane peer, anyway... which is functionally identical to being without a peer, full stop.

Sherlock Holmes: Have you come back to sleep with Watson again?

Sherlock Holmes: With, I suppose some detailed planning, it could be made to work.
Joan Watson: What could be made to work?
Sherlock Holmes: This relationship with Mycroft. We could draw up some sort of shared custody arrangement.

Joan Watson: It's a term of "never use it again or I will kick you in your soft parts".

Captain Gregson: So you went looking for a missing person and you came back with a cell full of heroin dealers?

Mycroft Holmes: Why should we deny ourselves the chance at... something.. just because Sherlock would make it difficult?
Joan Watson: "Difficult" might be an understatement.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm just concerned that you were lying about your evening in order to protect Mycroft from my wrath.

Joan Watson: Are you stunned into silence?

Joan Watson: I found the body!
Sherlock Holmes: I was going to say the same thing!

Sherlock Holmes: Have you ever tried to fire a shotgun while sprinting?

Sherlock Holmes: This pursuit of Watson must end.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson and I routinely save lives, and I cannot, and will not, allow anything to get in the way of that.

Mycroft Holmes: You purport to be her friend, and yet you don't care a whit about her happiness.

Joan Watson: A bug that is literately a bug; it's like something from a sci-fi movie.

Joan Watson: Can't we find a hacker collective that accepts cash?

Joan Watson: That's nice. It really is, but your apologies always seem to come after you already got what you wanted.

Season 2 Episode 22: "Paint It Black"

Sherlock Holmes: Either you're engaging in a marathon love making session with my brother, or you have realized I was right about him and you just don't want to admit it.

Guillaume de Soto: You are very beautiful, for a cop.

Sherlock Holmes: I knew you were lazy, I knew you were an idiot, but to allow a criminal syndicate to set up shop in your stupid restaurant...

Sherlock Holmes: You know, I wish it had taken you... the leukemia. I wish it had rotted you to bones.
Mycroft Holmes: Sometimes... I wish the very same thing.

Sherlock Holmes: My very good friend might be murdered by your very bad friends.

Mycroft Holmes: You're not sure if you can do what needs to be done without her.

Mycroft Holmes: I think she's the person you love most in the world.

Sherlock Holmes: My father is a Lovecraftian horror who uses his money to bludgeon his way to even more obscene profit.

Mycroft Holmes: As you can see, my brother's a deductive genius. His prowess is not to be underestimated. He could be the instrument of your salvation or your demise.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, we've managed to make our way behind the walls of one of the most secretive institutions on the planet to learn that Pierce Norman likes to hide the fact that he plays video games when he should be working.

Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft, meet the NSA. NSA, this is Mycroft.

Agent Dean McNally: Well, the Swiss are not friends, they're neutral.

Agent Dean McNally: Everyone knows about Diogenes; amazing food, interesting clientèle.

Sherlock Holmes: My phone doesn't appear to be working, can I borrow yours?

Mycroft Holmes: If anything happened to Joan, I'd never forgive myself.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, that won't be an issue; if anything happens to Joan, I will murder you.

Daron: It's not Lego Lass, it's Legolas, like the elf from the movies, and the one five on the end is just an extra S.

Sherlock Holmes: She's a trained detective, you are a buffoon.

Sherlock Holmes: You have the intellectual tools to make simple deductions, your failure to apply them in an energetic fashion is a constant source of befuddlement.

Sherlock Holmes: She is remarkable in ways that you could never imagine.

Sherlock Holmes: Did you know you could choke any extremity on the human body? You simply need to deny it oxygen.

Mycroft Holmes: Obviously, there's a great deal I need to tell you.

Season 2 Episode 23: "Art In The Blood"

Joan Watson: There's a lot you need to know.

Sherlock Holmes: Give me one reason I shouldn't thrash you.

Sherlock Holmes: And here was me thinking MI6 was an intelligence organization, but they sought help from you, a virtual cartoon character.

Sherlock Holmes: What's your Double O designations, license to kill or just annoy?

Sherlock Holmes: So, you honestly expect me to believe that you are an MI6 asset and you have kept that hidden from ME for over a decade?
Mycroft Holmes: Right, because we're so close.

Sherlock Holmes: This is gonna take some time to process.

Sherlock Holmes: Overthrow any good governments lately?

Tim Sherrington: Everything you said he was, eh?
Mycroft Holmes: Oh, you're only scratching the surface.

Tim Sherrington: I did you a favour last night, I saved your partner's life.
Sherlock Holmes: You did, and I'm grateful.
Tim Sherrington: Saved your brother's life, too.
Sherlock Holmes: I'll let that slide.

Tim Sherrington: I'd also like you to assassinate the Premiere of China. Perhaps I should have led with that.

Sherlock Holmes: Worried that I might show you up?
Mycroft Holmes: More worried you'll start a war.

Joan Watson: You know how insane this sounds, right?
Sherlock Holmes: I remind you we have entered the world of spydom.

Joan Watson: He deserves better than you. So do I.

Sherlock Holmes: Another asset? Where did you plant this one? Nursing home? Eyebrow Barber?

Sir James Walter: I am aware of everything.

Sherlock Holmes: The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes.

Sherlock Holmes: I know what it's like, to be deceived by a lover.

Sherlock Holmes: So, how exactly did you know where "here" was?

Sherlock Holmes: If this is MI6's idea of an analyst, then the British Government should be falling any day now.

Joan Watson: But thank you for reducing my feelings down to a physiological cliché.

Sherlock Holmes: But we are what we do.
Joan Watson: No, you are what you do. You have to be to be happy. I don't.

Tim Sherrington: You look like something the cat dragged in.

Captain Gregson: You building a fort?

Season 2 Episode 24: "The Grand Experiment"

Sherlock Holmes: When MI6 asked you to join them, did they tell you you'd be an asset or just an ass?

Sherlock Holmes: Should we go now, or would you like to see what else the mole has in store?

Sherlock Holmes: Don't touch any of the first editions, or Watson.

Sherlock Holmes: I cannot make bricks without clay.

Joan Watson: He knows a lot, he doesn't know everything.

Joan Watson: You broke into this car?
Sherlock Holmes: Best available vantage point.

Sherlock Holmes: A game of cat-and-mouse is afoot.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, don't keep me in suspense. What information do you have?

Captain Gregson: There are always "forces at play" with you.

Joan Watson: It turns out I know next to nothing about Mycroft Holmes.

Tim Sherrington: I wonder, if I were to hold you down and threaten to put out one of your eyes out with my thumb, would you tell me where you're hiding him?

Tim Sherrington: I look forward to dealing with you and the Holmes boys later.

Sherlock Holmes: Cancer cells don't mean to suffocate healthy ones, they just do.

Mycroft Holmes: You are my brother.

Sherlock Holmes: When I look back at the last eighteen months, I often categorize it as a kind of grand experiment.

Joan Watson: I'm so lucky I fell into your orbit.

Mycroft Holmes: You don't know these men, Sherlock, not like I do.

Mycroft Holmes: As it turns out, Joan, I'm already dead.

Sherlock Holmes: You are the same self-absorbed sloth...

 

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